I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
