My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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