i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
