just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
