i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
