You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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