Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
