he shaved USA in his pubs
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
