tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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