now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
