we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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