Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
