so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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