I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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