I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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