I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
