so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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