he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
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please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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