I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
