just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
