Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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