Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
