I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
pray to the hookup gods
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
