You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
