Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
