pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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