but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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