The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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