There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
