youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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