looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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