come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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