i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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