i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
