that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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