Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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