awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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