They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
