I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
