I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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