well I can't set my house on fire every night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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