Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
