I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
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Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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