i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
