ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
