I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
