The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we're making bets on your personal life
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
