She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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