I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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