So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
