just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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