Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
