What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
