defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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