A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
