I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
